Disclaimer: The following is neither intended to promote temperance (you do you!), nor is it intended to speak to anyone else's experiences except my own. Just be happy and healthy - whatever that mean to you.
So, it seemed easiest for me to just quit altogether. Within days, I noticed a transformation.
I have more energy and focus than I can ever remember having in my adult life. I tackle my considerable anxieties head on; for instance, I am no longer afraid to ask to join meetings or projects at work. I show up to work ready to take care of business. I am doing better in grad school than I have before and feel proud of that. My skin has a slight glow, my eyes are clear and while Michelle Pfeiffer I am not, I have cheekbones for the first time in memory.
I am happier and despite a persistent cough, feel good every day.
Again, this reflects no one's experience except my own, but I am a better version of myself. What's not to love about that?
Well, it has made me dread one thing: dating sober.
In my thirties, I have had exactly two sober first dates.
The first was with a minister from Germany, who I connected with on Tinder (anything can happen, folks). I just assumed he didn't drink, but am actually not sure whether that was the case or not. Our two dates were anything but festive (although that's not necessarily meant to diminish them). The second meeting with this minister took place on one of the coldest days in New York history. He took me to see a movie about the rise of fundamentalism in Mali, then lectured me when I said that I didn't know much about the subject matter. After it ended, he wanted to walk along black ice in Central Park after dark, in howling winds. I was relieved when we finally parted ways on a subway platform and skipped home happily. Two weeks later he texted me that following an emotional decision, he had reunited with his ex-girlfriend. None of my friends believed she was real.
The second first date was with the most conventionally attractive person I have ever so much as flirted with. He perhaps wasn't used to having to make much of an effort. He had me meet him on a street corner, then had no idea what he wanted to do. I suggested a bar nearby (a tried and true date spot in the past), but to my embarrassment, it was too early. So we stopped in the nearest brunch spot we came across (he ordered first and declined mimosas, so I followed). There was no spark (physical, intellectual, creative or otherwise) between us. A long walk followed, but I counted the minutes until I could find a bathroom, then meet up with a friend. We texted a few times, but he then spent five weeks touring Japan with his ex-girlfriend, according to Instagram. While perusing his Instagram feed, I also noticed an eight-pack and am simply not about that life (doing crunches).
Both interesting and attractive fellows, but overall: not an ideal track record.
There are practical considerations when dating sober. A few special first dates over the years have lasted twelve hours (once at the same bar I tried to revisit above): talking excitedly, exchanging furtive glances and grazing hands into the early hours. I am willing to believe that sense of intoxication exists without well ... intoxication, but the question is where? How long can you really spend at coffee shops before your table is circled by the Wi-Fi hungry masses? And the lighting in those places? Absolutely no sense of intrigue!
But, the reality of the situation is that I would like to have romantic love in my life and dating is probably necessary in order to do so. And so, I trudge onwards. There will be dispatches to come from my misadventures in sober dating!
